How I found my voice again and you can too

It has been 4 years since I wrote. Apart from posting pictures on Facebook, there was nothing I was sharing. Initially I thought why share on social media, but I was not writing either. I realized I was not voicing my opinions on the things that felt unfair or angered me. Off-late, something has clicked. I analyzed why I drowned out my voice.

Society has changed, the world now lives in fear of writing/posting/video-taping against any crisis or political party. Voicing your opinion makes you an activist/feminist/anti-national and not just a person angered/ affected by what is happening in the world/ country.

As a woman it is worse. You are expected to listen, not interrupt, speak only when allowed.  After a while I thought, "why voice things when I cannot change it". But I realize this is wrong, in today's digital world, a post/a video/a tweet has the ability to cause shifts in conversations, in mentality/mindset. Physically you might not be able to help, but ideas/words have always shaped society for eons.

There are so many things that I feel upset about. Beginning from the lack of proper water storage in Chennai to rapes of 9 month old babies and of young children being separated from their parents in the Mexican Border.
Imagine those children, scared, hungry and alone. An adult cannot handle these, yet the world watches as children are subject to such abuse. All because their parents felt there was a better place they could survive.

I am not happy with the way things are shaping up in the present world. I teach my kid empathy, but the fear looms that the world is turning harsher by the day.

I now know, I have a voice. I have a responsibility to change what I don't like. I may be wrong, but I may be right and that's what matters. I found my voice again and I will not let it go.

I am of the belief, it is OK to voice out/interrupt if you have something worthwhile to say, doesn't matter if you are a man or a woman. Who makes these rules anyway? Be patient, listen, yes, but don't allow anyone to cut you down.

If you have something to say, think about it and then say it. If you don't voice what concerns you, no one else will. Most of the times, we are not alone, we just don't know the many others facing the same tribunals, having the same angers and humanity systems as us.

Find your voice, could be a post, could be a verbal "No", could be asserting your needs or thoughts with your partner/relatives/friends/work, it doesn't matter, find your voice and own it. You have a responsibility towards yourself and the world around you will follow.

 The Pregger's Diary

 

 I believe every pregnant woman's experience is unique. While innumerable books, well-meaning elders and online resources try to educate you, none of it prepares you for the real deal.
 This is my learning experience with pregnancy.

The News

•  The moment you know you're pregnant is beyond compare. When you're ready and it's a conscious decision to have a child, you cherish it. It's a surprise by itself. Those 2 lines on the pregnancy strip and the emotion that accompanied them still moves me. I remember thanking God with a rare ferocity and a mixture of tears,happiness and gratitude. 

The Puke Machine

  Morning Sickness is not just nausea. For me it was a misnomer. Some women should be prepared to puke throughout the day for a major part of the pregnancy. It's easier said than done.

Any food I ate would send me running to the loo. Nothing was spared, juice and even water would have me keeling at the toilet seat. A few days even the tablet the doc prescribed couldn't keep food down. It felt like I was always retching my intestines out. I would never eat more for the fear that I would puke the entire thing. Any smells or sudden jerks in the car could tip me over.

It was a precarious situation. I would feel extremely sad wondering if my child would get any of the nutrients when I couldn't eat. Accompanying every puking session  would be tiredness and a sombre mood. The happiest period of life, but I  wasn't at peace.

I couldn't do any justice to work either. I was always scared I would vomit on the carpets for the entire world to see. I certainly couldn't  concentrate. After a lot of thinking,  I quit work. I regret the stop it put on my career but it was the best decision for my child.

 My body would stave off the loss of appetite by sleep.This lasted 6 months of my 10 month pregnancy. The scientific reason was the only thing which kept me strong. Apparently Hcg hormone was higher in these scenarios which also meant that this was a very protected pregnancy. Miscarriages were rare when a person's body had high levels of Hcg.

  I learnt early that well meaning elders couldn't possibly understand what you're going through. Always do what feels right for your body.

The Bump

• During the initial months there's nothing tangible to the pregnancy. The visibility of the baby bump differs from woman to woman.
•  Around 18-20 weeks you feel the first flutter of movement. I think one of the most beautiful things about Pregnancy is the vigorous kicking. While the scans give a faint idea of the  living being within, it's the movements that gives you reassurance. The ' 3 month' safety rule is a myth. A woman is scared for her child till the end.

The Mood Swings

  Pregnancy hormones made me more weepy, forgetful, mad with worry and overall a mess. However, I was not under any stress. I watched my TV sitcoms, read my novels, listened to music and pretty much slept the entire day.  

The Final 3 Laps

• Once my 6 month morning sickness abated,  I began eating normally from the 7th month. Scientifically it's only from the 7th month that the fetus actually requires the calories. In the initial months, the fetus develops all the important organs and body functions and that requires minimal calories. 
• However, this period of eating had it's own issues. I would get acid reflux, again thanks to my pregnancy.  Acid reflux during pregnancy is due to the relaxing stomach muscles which make way for the baby. This sends food up the oesophagus. 
• Accompanying all this was back pain and sleepless nights due to the back pain.

The 11th Hour

While some babies arrive on time, some arrive early, mine decided she didn't want to leave my womb until absolutely necessary. I had attended Natal classes to handle contractions,  pain etc. But, I never had any contractions leading to labor.     

 At 41 weeks I was induced to try for a normal delivery. Now this involved  Inserting a Foley catheter with a bulb that would dilate my cervix. The gas mask didn't  help. The pain I underwent was so intense, I thought I died. I prayed to God to forgive my sins.

 So, I didn't die. I was just taped to this tube for an entire night. Hoping to dilate. That didn't happen, the next morning I had the gel. In a minute or 2, I would get contractions that struck me out of the blue. They were coming at short intervals and brought pain along.

I wasn't crying. I battled the pain with anger. I took my mind off the pain by asking my care takers to squeeze my legs harder. The nurses and the doc finally decided to break the waters, I took the gas again. My child had passed meconium, so I had to have an emergency c section. The time it took for the operation  theatre to get ready, I was in pain with no gas to relieve it. I just wanted it to end. I was given the spinal which numbed the pain and I waited for my baby to be out.

The Everlasting Moment

When they showed her to me, I was overwhelmed. There I was in the operation theatre with the doctors all around me and I sang " Somewhere Over the Rainbow " for her.
That moment, when I saw my blood and muck-covered screaming kid, is priceless. I will take it with me to my grave.

Now I realize, I have undergone immense pain and still went under the knife for a delivery. To save my baby and do what's best for her, I would have done anything. I will always carry my scars proudly.

The New Mother

To be honest, there are tough days. Your kid is cranky, hungry all the time, you are sleep deprived, the kid in question can fall sick anytime, you scold the kid, you watch others scold your kid. Your well-meaning family and friends who tell you what is right or wrong. Basically being a mother is driving you mad.

You wonder the whys and hows, you dissect everything your family says, you think maybe you aren't that protective of your child. You wonder if you are going to be a bad mother and the list of double guessing is endless.

But Mothers, remember, yes, this is a tough journey , there will be tough nights, tougher days and the hardest decisions to make. But then you realize the blessing, God has bestowed you with.  

Your child chose you, to be born to. Make the reason count.

"We Care" - Brands and Empathy

    I have always been fascinated by human nature and psychology. Gratitude, kindness, mercy are some character traits I have always been attracted to. 

Online, I am more inclined to read stories or view pictures which reflect the goodness of humanity. Stories and videos of grit, triumph over odds have always moved me and maybe motivated me. 

I thought people like me who follow humanity over anything were very few. But I was wrong. Off-late there has been a surge in advertisements which strike an emotional cord with some of us, if not most. The marketer in me immediately began to notice how these ads helped in the brand positioning. I have taken the recent three ads and have anaylzed them from my perspective.

• Google - https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gHGDN9-oFJE

When people say Google, we always think about the advancements in technology. The youngsters see it as a necessity in today's world. But what is Google? A basic search engine which provides you an array of sites that already exist on the web. An online encyclopedia/directory all in the click of a buttton. 

If I was to explain Google to my grandmother, I'd say it's a directory linking to other directories of information. Something like Yellow pages. But that is before I saw the ad.

Now it's more than a directory. Now it shows that it permeates all facets of human life and can drive emotions, desires for real.

My granny now, knows the internet, uses it to skype too with some help. So for her Google is out of the world technology that only her grand children show off about. But when I showed her the ad and explained it, she instantly asked me if I could find her long lost third cousin. I did'nt have the heart to tell her, in the real world Google sometimes doesn't  have all the answers. But the ad definitely says so. 

• HUL - Project Sunlight 

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PWTVCkvQzY8

I was still hungover from Google's ad which was trying to connect with its users by the 'Empathy' route. Then I come across Project Sunlight. I was cynical at first because Sunlight is the name of a lesser known detergent from HUL. People know only Surf in this country and undoubtedly HUL's Surf is the market leader. However, the short film doesn't explicitly cite any of its products.

Apart from the 'Unilever Project Sunlight' there are no other references of it anywhere in the short film. But subconsciously, when they talk about technologies, medicines, products of the future, I think HUL.

So what is HUL going to do? Are they trying to show that they are more environment friendly? Are they trying to position themselves as more than a FMCG manufacturer? Are they going to be the one stop shop for all human needs in the future? Somehow, I'm not convinced that the film is just a harmless CSR activity that protects the environment for future generations.

• Vodafone - https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SdQtLzkt1b4

This is a true Network amalgamation with Facebook. You see the ad, and you know that's how today's world is. You connect with the ad, the person, the status messages, the pics. If not you, well someone you know. Vodafone has always made humorous ads, cute ads in the past. This recent one seems to say I know you need an outlet to vent all the good and bad that's  happening in your life on Facebook. Well, just use our network to do it faster.

All these ads seem to say, "We Care". They want consumers to believe that it's more than the Top line that matters to them. But if these ads, get them those numbers, who is complaining?

Soul Searching myself

More than wondering about the secrets of the universe, questioning my existence and trying to find my purpose, I always wonder who I am as a person and what exactly I need in my life.
This is as much as I understand or know myself as on date of this post.

• I'm flawed. I have never seen myself as perfect and revel in the fact that my flaws make me stronger.
• I have a few close friends with whom I can be crazy, childish, humorous or care free. Only my close pals get to see my light hearted side. 
• I can be naive. In life, I always see good in people.
• I wish I was more shrewd or more ruthless. It's a defense mechanism.
• Mostly I'm happy, pumped up or silently sad. Rarely people get to see my raging anger.
• I'm very playful.
• I am stand offish with others, silent, not mingling much in fact. This may seem to others as am arrogant, whereas in reality I don't know them enough to let my hair down. I'm my caring self with friends, reserved with others.
• When I say caring, I show I care when I listen. I always like providing a shoulder to lean on. I like being needed.
• When it comes to me though, I don't like sharing, not that I don't want to or that I want to hide, just that I believe when I share I become weak.I don't like making myself weak. I want to share but I haven't found another soul who would understand and care enough.
• I am emotional and sensitive, it is only with a few that I share my insecurities or whatever that bugs me.
• I insulate myself from the world to cope up sometimes. Music truly gives me peace.
• I abhorr gossip. I try to stay away from the people and it mostly. I'd rather be isolated than swim in a mire of talk.
• I'm honest. It's a liability sometimes.
• I can be jealous, but I always wish another person well, somehow being excessively jealous seems beneath me. 
• I believe I have a  good heart. 
• I can be truly lazy and not do work at all or I can drive myself to death working.
• I bury myself in work sometimes. When I'm working, I'm preoccupied with it.
• The smallest things make me happy. 
• I know I'm strong. I just don't like talking about my travails. I always look forward.
• Only thing that drives me, the will to live and beat the odds. 
• I always refer to boxing matches in my life, I may fall down bleeding but I'm never staying down.
• I can be crazy-happy. (Again for emphasis) :p
• I don't giggle. I laugh. Loud.And when I do, it's with all my heart.
• I love laughing. I cherish that gift truly.
• I like being happy.
• I want to love and be loved. I'm a human being after all.
• I like to cook. A labor of love.
• Sometimes I turn to books than people.
• I'm unpredictable. I can be serious, mature and then suddenly be silly or clown around.
• I have learnt not to judge people without truly knowing them.
• I love food. 
• I can be a wallflower/bookworm/steel magnolia/naughty siren/crazy witch.
• I'm still learning about myself and every time I surprise myself.
• No one truly knows me and no, this blog won't help you much either.
• The jury is still out on whether I even want that.
• If there's something for certain that I know, it is that I want to be happy and die a good human being. The rest are just details.

Love Letter to a Finance Major :-p

Dear Finance Major,

This letter is to let you know that while you are busy counting numbers, you should take some time off and count my heart rate every time you are in the vicinity. While you are breaking your head over balance sheets, you should know it's relatively easier to tally your assets and my liabilities.
 I'm honest about my intangible feelings for you and would love to share cups of coffee listening to your Finance raving and hopefully learn something from you. As I'm bad at Finance, I'm hoping you would manage our joint finances.
If you choose to enter this parternship, you shall benefit from my 4ps- Polite,Pally, Pleasing personality and Passion. You should know I have already targetted you as an apt choice to meet my parents. I shall leave the positioning to you.
 In the same breath, I have to say you are more preoccupied about stock bonds than strengthening our bond. My interest rate in your bond is increasing day by day and if you don't cash in soon, I'm afraid your value will fall in my eyes. So kindly use your call option and call me. It would be beneficial to our parternship if you propose your bid and I shall sign the dotted line within speculated duration.

Hoping for a long partnership,
Yours Truly Marketing Major.